This work is supported by the generous backers who adore my cat stories at Patreon.com/amberunmasked and they also get first access to what’s happening with my books and projects.
Where We Left Off:
Everyone has been worried about the birds and the zoonotic nature of the H5N1 (avian flu) disease spreading. We investigated a crime scene full of feathers.
Who Moved My Cheese?:
This week’s case file is likely in our Top 5 weird-o-meter status. Let’s begin with the excitement for Spring! Indeed, Gus and Oliver are enjoying the return of the backyard beasts and critters of all sizes. We’ve welcomed three of the most active chipmunks back to the junkyard. Grackles have returned. The Jersey devil-deer population is simply booming—early one morning, The Grumpy Old Man counted 13 of them lingering in the grotto contemplating if it was safe to cross the road. It was not and they left the way they came.
Oliver and Gus have made an adjustment to their relationship due to the warmer weather. Ollie enjoys spending more time in the Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency offices and spaces since he’s more likely to get time on the balcony or near an open window. The two of them get on each other’s nerves more frequently. Nonetheless, work needs to be done even if it requires adjustments to the patrols and evidence gathering.
On March 3, 2025, Gus and I found one of the most ridiculous mysteries in our years of investigating and adventuring. Gus has been including the front of the property in his regular patrols since MamaCat Marsh has been coming around wanting to enter through the front door. Gus uses his Super Smeller to check every nook and cranny. While he was looking for scents on the porch that he could trace back to any non-residential felines, my eyes caught something brightly colored—out of place for the end of a harsh winter. Flowers weren’t blooming. In fact, the only pops of color are the cheerful little decorative flags The Cook likes to put out.
“Gus?” I drew out his name. “Come look at this.”
His black fur in the sun became patchy with brown highlights. He descended the stairs with his leash dragging behind him.
Gus looked down at what I spotted. “Can I eat it?”
“No, you can’t eat it! We don’t know if it’s any good,” I said about the single, plastic-wrapped slice of orange cheese. I couldn’t tell if it was real cheese or non-dairy cheez like we eat. Gus will eat either. My visual observation didn’t pick up any signs of mold. I also didn’t see any marks that would give us a clue as to how this slice arrived in one of the flower beds.
“No bite marks,” Gus said. “Let’s pack it up and get the case officially opened.”
Now that Ollie is back to his brief outdoor activities, he has better opportunities to question the resident critters and his informants. He was immediately fired up talking to as many birds and squirrels as possible.
“Cheese?” Oliver was right to make sure he heard us correctly. Gus and I verified what we’d just said about finding what looked like a Kraft Single on top of the dirt.
It was a Monday. That’s a key piece of information because it wasn’t garbage pick-up day. We ruled out the cheese being carried away on a gust of wind while the garbage cans were up-ended by the sanitation truck’s mechnical arm.
I put the photos up on the big screen in the office so we could see all of them at the same time. I didn’t take many photos. It didn’t seem necessary since the cheese slice didn’t offer many clues to go on. After photographing, I unwrapped the cheese slice and placed it near one of the cameras to see if anyone would come take it.
“No bite marks…” Oliver spoke aloud not to anyone in particular. “That would mean that whoever moved this cheese used their hands or some other means instead of carrying it in their mouth.”
Suspects
We had already ruled out the wind carrying the cheese during garbage pick up. Turning our focus to creatures, we then ruled out some suspects.
Gus licked his secret white belly patch and paused long enough to give input. “Not the foxes then. They would use their teeth.”
Oliver agreed and added, “Not a groundhog either.”
“Or anything in the deer family,” I added while crossing off species on the list on the board.
“This Critter of Interest had to have the dexterity to carry the cheese in their hands,” Oliver pointed out.
Only a few possibilities remained: opossum, raccoon, chipmunks, and squirrel.
Gus had finished cleaning his belly and rolled onto his side for welcoming full-body stretch. “Ahhhh. Did anyone show up on the cameras?”
“Nothing suspicious. Only the neighbors driving up and down,” I said. “They are suspicious, but not regarding this. I don’t recall any organized crime coded messages about cheese either.”
“Nah, you take the cannoli,” Gus agreed.
Getting Information from Sources
Gus headed towards the haunted well house to see if any squirrels were home. Oliver and I went towards Gnome Grove. Gus ended up striking out—no one was there. Ollie had better luck because I poured birdseeds on top of a tree stump. In no time, different birds showed up. Fortunately, one of those was Lottie Briscoe, the new cardinal attaché.
“We know that cheese is not a part of your diet.” Oliver sat tall in his buggy and chatted with the cardinal through the screen.
“At least you know something about us,” Lottie said. She confirmed that we were correct in assuming none of the birds have been so hungry as to go after something like a plastic-covered slice of processed cheese. “You’re most certainly looking for a raccoon or an opossum.”
“No squirrels?” Ollie asked.
“Unlikely. Everyone here is happily well-fed.” Lottie looked over both shoulders to see who might be listening. “If I had to put money on it, I’d say your perp is a raccoon. There’s a reason they’re called trash pandas.”
Oliver and I knew that opossums frequent trash bins too, but we took her tip with the authenticity the bird implied. The opossums have a lot of insects to eat. To be honest, we’d love to have more opossums around.
Whoever moved the cheese didn’t eat it. Perhaps they thought it was worth taking and then realized it wouldn’t do them any good. Would that theory put any of the eliminated suspects back on the list?
Top Suspects
Back in the office, we again checked to see who was showing up most often and where using the recording surveillance footage. We didn’t find El Diablo appearing all the time like he did last summer. I hope nothing bad happened to him. There weren’t any signs of Hans Grabber in recent weeks either. The three who showed up the most were Aunt Gail (solo) and the mother-daughter team of Big Baby Pudding-snatcher and Diamond Doris. We believe the males have been keeping their distance until the weather warms up.
Gus and Ollie decided it was best to focus our attention on the raccoons since they have been appearing the most on nighttime images. We studied the profiles in our database carefully. Aunt Gail was known around the neighbor to be rather quirky, impulsive, and somewhat paranoid. BBPS and Doris love stealing though. They really cannot help themselves.
Case Findings:
Although there were potentially many suspects in the opossum, squirrel, and raccoon communities who would be interested in plucking sliced cheese from a bin, Oliver and Gus chose to focus on the raccoons. We went through our profiles of the most recently spotted bandits and had a list of three suspects. The team came to the conclusion that the cheese smuggling was most likely a training exercise and not about finding food. We ruled out Aunt Gail as she is already an adult and doesn’t appear to be capable of being trained to do anything. She’s impulsive and answers only to her immediate brain wiring signals.
That only leaves the mother-daughter team of Big Baby Pudding-snatcher and Diamond Doris! Doris should be just turning one-year-old by now. She sticks very close to her mother still.
Case Status: Closed
Resources:
Can Birds Eat Cheese? A Comprehensive Guide to Avian Dairy Consumption published August 18, 2024. Accessed March 8, 2025.