AMBER LOVE 20-SEP-2021 This work is supported by the generous backers who adore my cat stories at Patreon.com/amberunmasked and they also get first access to what’s happening with my books and podcast.
Where We Left Off:
I didn’t need to spend leisure time watching monster movies when we’ve had a summer of large and small visitors at the estate.
Robin Hood and His Merry Men:
Oliver stepped up his game as a supervisor of the critter hunts over the summer. Even when Gus has custody of a perp, Oliver has managed more time blocking exits, asking important questions, and doing research. I think his meditation practice has helped him focus when he needs to. He still enjoys his catnip trips. I noticed that he doesn’t want it freshly cut. He waits for the stalks to be drier but still soft and then he rolls on them. It must open up his mind to help solve cases and stay calm when there are days of construction noises like jackhammering.
The Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency has been hit and miss with mousing duties. Gus kept bringing house mice and cave crickets to me at night. So gross.
Case 19-227A:
On the night of July 16, Gus captured a large mouse of interest. After he dispatched with one of the leaders, Ms. Blanche Burrows of the Bloody Burrows Gang, we had to figure out who would take over as the leader of that faction of indoor mice. Gus naturally suspected that the largest critter would be a good bet.
We learned that this big fellow was called “Little John” after one of the Robin Hood heroes. The modicum of the legend we know of Little John is that he’s not little, but still a wily and adaptive fighter (like Jason Mamoa) who steals from coiffeurs in order to feed his people. It’s a noble cause so that’s not why Little John and the gang are on our Wanted list. We just want them to live outside and to especially stop nesting in the mobile command unit. More on that soon.
Gus insisted on carrying Little John up and down from the dining room to the bedroom. Up and down we went. Gus with the mouse in his mouth with me and Oliver behind them. I had the glass jar, the one I try to always use for capturing perps so that they can be released. Gus was being a selfish jerk and we ended up on the first floor. I was on all fours on hard slate. He dashed towards the kitchen, but that’s when Gus made a crucial mistake. Next thing I knew, Little John was free and he was making his way towards one of the many exits to the basement and wine cellar. Gus lost track of him. I was frustrated. How could he let the perp go?
Oliver was under the dining room table where I had been. Then all three of us were at the cellar door poking around a step stool while I shone the flashlight into various holes of the floor. Gus paced frantically as he always does when a perp gets away. But this time, it was probably his fault unless Little John managed to strike Gus in a way I couldn’t see.
Case 19-227B:
July 27 went much more smoothly than the Little John fiasco. This case involved a mouse much smaller in size, but grander in worth. This critter has inside information coming from Milieu corso-marseillais, the modern French mafia. What on earth would Le Milieu being doing in New Jersey’s countryside?
This furry little informant was able to get into the Witness Security and Relocation program. He was taken into custody and smart enough not to struggle with Gus. I remember it being so dark outside. And there I was in pajamas carrying a Mag light in one hand and cradling the glass jar avec la souris across the street to the edge of the woods. (Scroll through the Instagram slides below to see the video of the release).
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It was a successful release without any incidents. Au revoir, la souris. Enjoy your new identity as a woodlands creature.
Case 19-227C:
Then in the evening of August 22, there was a thump under my bed which led me to jump. Sometimes Oliver and Gus wrestle that hard under there, but this wasn’t Oliver. It was Gus with Little John, that big bastard. Gus led me on a chase keystone cop style through every room and door and back, down the stairs, under tables, around corners, back up the stairs, through the box fort a few times. It felt endless. I was sweating and not getting any help from anyone else. Is it that hard for someone else to help close off doors and grab their own container when I’m clearly having a difficult time?
When I reached my wit’s end, Gus was in the annex of the box fort with Little John in his mouth. I reached in with a bare hand and grabbed the mouse. Gus didn’t let go. The mouse wrapped his claws all around my hand and then proceeded to bite down as hard as it could breaking skin and drawing blood, leaving two vampire punctures of oozing blood.
Gentlethem, I screamed so loudly that my head hurt for hours. My blood pressure must have been through the roof. I had to catch my breath and calm the fuck down.
At one point, Gus took Little John into the square cell of “kitty jail” at the top of the steps where there’s a railing and only one egress for Gus. He released the fucking mouse! I watched Little John’s abundant body crawl and drop right over the edge. I yelled, “It went down the stairs!” and all I heard back was the Cook yelling, “It’s on the stairs!” Well no shit. I’m on my hands and knees with my head and upper body in the kitty jail, could someone else do something?
We ended up back in the dining room then through the kitchen. I don’t know why, but Gus decided (or was bit) to release Little John in front of a wide coat closet. The mouse ducked under the doors which don’t even close properly anyway and found the escape route to the cellar.
Case 19-227D:
“D” is for Disgusting. The Grumpy Old Man insists on using glue traps in areas of his domain such as the mobile command unit. He prefers if Gus would simply catch all of them and actually kill them, but Gus is not 100% reliable although he does work hard. I’m not disappointed in his stats at all. I would also prefer that he vanquish the mice critters and not go after chipmunks and bunnies. As one of my duties besides being the biographer, I also end up the marshal who has to capture and relocate the mice. It’s in the dark 99.5% of the time. Sometimes rain. Sometimes snow. I am never in the mood for it.
The glue traps are heinous. The make the critters suffer a long, slow, torturous death. There’s also the issue of non-mice critters getting caught in the death glue. Such was the case of a poor little milk snake that I would have preferred to see living a long happy life.
Gus found the traps outside the mobile command unit. They were filled with mice. Some alive. At first he seemed interested, but I believe the glue probably had a smell that deterred him. Or maybe the decay of the dead ones overwhelmed his Super Smeller. Since he couldn’t figure out how to pluck off the living mice, he ended up losing interest. I did not want to deal with it. It was The Grumpy Old Man’s mess and he could take care of it. He didn’t want Gus to get his face stuck either and threw the traps in the garbage. Then he went out and bought a stack of new traps.
Case Findings:
As you can tell, we are overrun with mice inside and outside the Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency offices and residence. There’s no end in sight, especially not with Little John getting away each time he’s been captured.
Case Status: Open
